One of the problems that frequently comes up in marriage is that burning desire to patch up all of your problems with a flick of the wrist. The same problem arises in any restoration project. We’d like to have the basement patched back up in a moment, which leads us to grow a bit hasty with the drywall job, which leads to removing all of the drywall after the first install because we put it in cockeyed. Christians can double down on this haste, lining up a string of Bible verses in the wrong place and at the wrong time. One of the chief being, “Do not let the sun go down on your anger.” And someone gets the idea that this means you should argue until 5am in the morning. The trouble is, come sunrise, you’re still in a spat and it’s a Sunday. Now you’ve got something about leaving your offering at the altar and being reconciled to your brother running through the mind. 

Here’s a simple principle for restoring the marriage: Go at it slow and steady like the tortoise. I understand that this bit of advice is not as snazzy as the marriage love cruise, where you will get to eat lobster and sunbathe in the Caribbean. But it is a time-tested and proven bit of counsel for seeing your marriage move in the right direction. But, I warn you. Good, conservative, and reformed Christians are a bit suspicious about this advice. It sounds like it might run roughshod over Owen’s point that we must be killing sin or sin will be killing you. I do believe that Owen was on the money, but I would add that if you don’t let that woman sleep, not only will sin be killing you but the sleep-deprived beauty might well do so.

I recall being in a community of Christians where it became somewhat popular to pray that the Lord would rob people of sleep until they repent. It does have a nice ring to it. And maybe one sleepless night could do some sinners good. But people do have a knack for making better decisions after a good night’s sleep. So we might pray that the Lord would give the poor buggers some good and deep sleep so that they would repent. Basically, all of the haste, masquerading as zeal and piety, can often be a facade covering anxiety and pride. In darker corners, this kind of haste smells of some twisted manipulation. There’s the arrogant husband, asking the our thrice holy God to keep his wife tossing and turning until she discovers how deceived she is in her disrespect toward her husband. Maybe he will throw in a fast for her, even. This is the kind of thing that makes one ask for the vomit bag.

Here are three texts to remind you to take a deep breath, remember who is on the throne, and take your marriage reno project slow and steady.

Three texts:

1 Peter 4:8 says,  ^“And above all things have fervent charity among yourselves: for charity shall cover the multitude of sins.” While there is a place for confrontation, and it can take some work to get on the same page, do remember that love not only exposes sins but covers them. I have seen more than a few spouses justify themselves in the hunt for their significant other’s sin because we serve a precise God and must be perfect as He is perfect. But maybe your spouse would be far closer to perfect if you wouldn’t nag about every little thing. Better yet, maybe you would be far closer to perfect if you would give it a rest.

Exodus 23:29-30 says, “I will not drive them out from before thee in one year; lest the land become desolate, and the beast of the field multiply against thee. By little and little I will drive them out from before thee, until thou be increased, and inherit the land.” God’s plan for your marriage maps on to His plans for His people Israel. If you tried to drive out every character flaw in a week’s time, those tigers and panthers would be on you in no time. You want to drive out the demons and clean the place up. But you have to be in the business of cultivating good things in your marriage and home, or else you’re just sweeping the place up for seven more demons far nastier than the first to make your house their home.  

Ephesians 5:25-27 says, “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.” Consider how patient Christ is with His own bride. He’s been sanctifying her for two thousand years and the work is not done. His sacrifice is the origin of this sanctification process and so it must be with a husband toward his own wife. There’s truth here for a wife as well. She can win her husband without a word. She can and does sanctify him. And the process is plenty long, just ask Heather Longshore.

Your marriage is something of a long cook. You need to keep an eye on that pork shoulder. And you’ll have plenty of work to do seasoning, wrapping, and checking the temp. But cook that thing low and slow. It will fall off the bone.