One of the problems you will find a few days into marriage, if not a few days into the engagement, is that your spouse is not Jesus. This revelation can put one into the slough of despond. Many a wife has been tempted by the fainting couch upon realizing that her husband is not the Lion of the Tribe of Judah. And many a husband has sat befuddled that his wife has not come down out of heaven like the New Jerusalem, a spotless bride adorned for her husband. But, be not afraid, as the angel Gabriel once said. There’s a way to patch up the cracks.
A key component of any marriage restoration project is the ability to apologize and forgive. Christians have every right to this manner of dealing with sin and that’s a good thing, too. It beats having to cut yourself and cry out like the prophets of Baal on Mount Carmel, asking your spouse to look with mercy upon this third week running in which you forgot to schedule the kids’ dentist appointments. Lo, there is a more excellent way.
The key to a good apology is that you cut it straight. And think this through for a moment, you want to deliver a good apology. You’ve already done something bad, no reason to layer fault upon fault by apologizing like the third grade mean girl forced to tell her classmate she’s sorry while smacking her gum, arms crossed, with a knee pop that could make the girls over at Chi Omega jealous.
So here are the basics:
First, do not say you are sorry. The statement “I’m sorry” is an expression of your sorrow, which is fine enough as far as it goes. But given our times, it doesn’t go very far and likely gums things up. We live in times in which everyone wants to emote. Everyone wants to share his or her inner feelings. We think this is the very hallmark of human identity. Well, you are apologizing because you fumbled the football. Now is not the time for you tell everyone how you feel. You did not just win a grammy. Moreover, many people assume that the key to forgiveness is to make sure that the penitent expresses sorrow equivalent to the offense. While such sorrow is certainly fitting, it is not the standard which must be met in order to forgive another when you have been wronged. That standard is an admonition of wrong and a request for forgiveness. When those two standards have been met, then you must forgive. All of the “I’m sorry” stuff indicates that the offended party should examine the penitent with a sorrow-meter to determine if forgiveness should be rendered.
Second, in place of “I’m sorry” put an “I was wrong when I called your mother a donkey. Please forgive me.” Note, if said mother-in-law is indeed a donkey, you must not apologize for hitting the bull’s eye. You might soften the prophetic word by reminding your spouse that God did a mighty work through Balaam’s ass. But no apologizing when you have not erred. If, however, this mother-in-law is not a donkey, you must apologize for missing the mark and you should keep it plain and simple. Unlike “I’m sorry,” “I was wrong” is a humbling thing to say. It knocks one down a couple of pegs, which is good for the soul. The LORD, after all, looks upon the humble. The request for forgiveness reminds all parties that this marriage is a covenantal affair, involving two parties. You were not very thoughtful of your spouse when you went off calling mom a long eared mule. So the request for forgiveness is a fitting acknowledgement of your spouse. This request for forgiveness is not a demand for forgiveness. “But, doesn’t my wife have to forgive me?” Well, yes she does. But that truth doesn’t give you the right to demand it.
Third, for the offended party, when it comes to forgiveness, you hand that over right away. You must be eager to deliver that particular package upon request. In marriages that have become terribly tangled, and there are certainly a few of those, delivering forgiveness is not the same thing as trusting. Forgiveness must be delivered immediately and upon request. Our Lord made that necessity very clear, “For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you: But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses” (Matthew 6:14-15). At the same time, trust must be built over time. Both parties should understand this, with the offender not requiring high trust levels and the offended not pretending that bitterness rotting in the soul is simply low trust levels.
Fourth, while the Puritans were known to say that confessing sin was akin to vomiting, it is worth noting that confession is also like a day out quail hunting. The dogs flush the birds from their spot in the bush and you get the chance to unload on them with a shotgun. Anyone who has had the privilege of a little upland bird hunting knows how satisfying this can be. Those sins were bedded down in your flesh, after all. They just needed a little marital agitation in order to show themselves so you could blow them away with a good confession. Now they’re hanging there limp in the mouth of the German Short Hair like Goliath’s head hung in the hand of Jesse’s son. Plus, you and the spouse are now good, what with the apology and forgiveness rendered, so the day is looking up come to think of it.
Fifth, one common snag that routinely arises is your inability to get on the same page regarding the offense or alleged offense. This trouble comes when you are not clear about the traffic laws, or you are clear enough about the traffic laws but have a wonky speedometer. He asks if you know why he pulled you over and the only thing that comes to mind is that he is a heavy-handed gorilla. Or you’re flummoxed on the witness stand, saying you want the truth only to be reminded by her in the cross-examination that you can’t handle the truth. It really is important to have agreement on the standards. This agreement comes by the renewal of your mind according to Scripture, along with reading other good books on marriage.
If you can’t get on the same page after discussing it, don’t fall into a big spat about it. Remember that love indeed covers a multitude of sins. If it is small, then cover it in love and move on. If it is big, or if you are in a rut on not being on the same page, then call for a pastoral referee to help you review the game film. And no feeling bad about calling for a pastor. That’s what pastors are for.
